oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
