I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
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Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
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All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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