Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
