I hate your face
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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