Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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