he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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