So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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