Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
