Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
it glows. i had to have it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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