Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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