Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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