You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
