if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Did we literally take a cab across the street
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
