my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
