need another drink. this is the easiest way
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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