Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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