I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
