They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
i think my cat just said my name.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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