I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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