Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
