"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
