Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
