remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
