dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
