The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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