I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
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Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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