You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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