just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
