So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
