u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
