my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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