Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
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Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
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THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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