meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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