how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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