Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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