The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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