I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
