he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
