I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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