well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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