In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Randomize