Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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