dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
