apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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