guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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