LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
