He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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