Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
