he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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