Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
