tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
