i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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