So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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