Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
We need a shit load of segways right now
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
