dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
