im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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