she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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