her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
