fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
