Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
